Jason  It has been so long since I have written here.  It is a very painful thing to do.

You know how much I miss you Son not a day or in fact hour goes by that you are not in my head or heart.  It has been 3 years + and I still do not understand why you chose to leave us.  I know you must have been hurting so badly but your family and friends would have gotten you thru this.  I am suppose to be upset with you that you did this according to a lot of people and "you chose to do this no one else" is what I hear.  What people do not understand is that the pain you must have been in I am sure most people could not have tolerated.  It has been a long and lonely road and only a very FEW people can even try to understand how your father and I feel.  "Life goes on" so they say but no one made allowances for the changes some people have to accept in their life.  Yes my life goes on but it will never be the same.  How can it be Jason?  You are not here.

I think back to when Renee' almost died Jason.  I can remember so vividly Russell looking at me and saying "Peggy I almost lost Renee"  He had a fraction of the pain that he would have had if he had lost Renee.  I could see the pain in his eyes and could not imagine what he was feeling.  Now I know only million times worse.  It has upset me that he and Gail have not been more compassionate about this.  They loved you so much and I know they still do.  But they along with others think I should snap out of it.  Trust in God they say.  Well Jason that is a little hard to do.  Where was God when you needed him most?  Where has God been when I have begged help from him so many times.  Don't preach to me about God.  So thru all of this I have lost someone very special to me.  It's okay though I will make it.

I am trying very hard to "come back to life".  It is a long and lonely journey.  I will make it somehow.  I will never ever be the person I was but I can try.  Your cousin Matt is getting married on the l9th.  We are going.  It is going to be a real test for me.  Tons of family will be around and I am going to do my best to enjoy myself.  The problem is I can see you being there giving words of advice to Matt joking with everyone just having a ball.  You are a major missing piece to me.  Charlie and the girls will be there and I will be so proud of all of them and so happy they are there but my family will never be complete again Jason.  You should be at all of these things.  Uncle Tommie was talking about you at the family reunion and then saying he just did not know how Charles and I cope with you not being here.  All I could say was you can't imagine Uncle Tommie.  Everyone who knows you misses you Jason.  You are not forgotten just missed so much.

Your good old Abbie is sitting here at my feet.  It took her a long time to adjust to you not being around.  Just in the last 6 or 8 months has she allowed herself to attach to someone else.  Guess who?  Yes she think she is my supreme protector all the time.  I can hardly move without her under my feet.  She is very loyal.  The other night on TV Jason there were some people doing duck calls all of a sudden Abbie jumped up and ran to the TV.  I did not understand it at first but Daddy said she is remembering Jason practicing those duck calls in his apartment.  She will never forget you either.  I open your trunk with your stuff in it and she goes crazy smelling you!  It just amazes me.  Who says dogs don't love hard and long?

I don't know why I am writing all of this Jason.  Just felt the need I guess.  Your garden is prettier than ever.  It is finally taking shape.  It is a labor of love.  You Daddy goes out there almost daily.  He misses you so.  Please stay with us.  Look after Charlie's girls to.

I LOVE YOU JASON MOM